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Goddamn this chick sucks. Her range is so limited she has to resort to her belt voice on any note higher than the middle C. It seems as though the tone deaf singer squeals through the entire album in double accidentals. That’s how bad it gets. Her vocal is flatter than diet water and drier than a virgin’s clitoris. She totally and completely lacks expressiveness. Believe it or not, there are people who actually enjoy listening to this crap. Sad.

Is it just me or has Ngoc Ha gotten an upgrade?

Duc Tuan got balls. In Music of the Night, the man tries to cover some of the most popular songs from some of the most celebrated musicals. Sadly, in the entire album, his bravery is the only thing worthy of applause. He seriously lacks tonal variation and vocal embellishment inherent in every musical piece. His story telling sucks. In “Man of La Mancha,” he makes the valiant Don Quixote sound like a salad-tossing queer. In “Memory,” his note transition and phrasing run all over the place and blob together more like a bad amnesia than memory. Music of the Night may be a treat for die-hard Duc Tuan fans, but musical lovers definitely won’t be asking for an encore from this performer.

Mariah releases Obsessed. Eminem counters with The Warning. Freaking awesome!

Oh gee, is that supposed to be me in the video with the goatee
Wow Mariah, I didn’t expect her to go balls out
Bitch, shut the fuck up before I put all them phone calls out
You made to my house
When you was wild n out
Before Nick
When you was on my dick
And give you somethin to smile about
How many times you fly to my house?
Still trying to count
Better shut your lying mouth
If you don’t want Nick finding out…

Mariah, it ever occur to you that I still have pictures?
However you prefer to do and that goes for you Nick too, faggot
You think I’m scared of you?
You gonna ruin my career you better get one
Like I’ma sit and fight with you over some slut bitch cunt
Who made me put up with her psycho ass over 6 months
And only spread her legs to let me hit once
Yeah, what you gonna say? I’m lucky?
Tell the public that I was so ugly
That you fucking had to be drunk to fuck me?
Second base? What the fuck you tell Nick, punk?
In the second week we were dry humping.
It’s gotta count for something
Listen, girly.
Surely you don’t want me to talk about how I nutted early
Cause I ejaculated prematurely
And bust all over your belly, and you almost started hurling
And said I was gross, go get a towel you’re stomach’s curling.

Whenever I get fed up with the vocally retarded screamers calling themselves singers these days, I revisit this clip. It comes bundled with a first-class line up and hilarious improvisation and role playing.

I’ve always liked a good parody. I’m surprised Chi Tai or Hoai Linh didn’t think of this. Here’s the original song by Truong Quy Hai.

Hà Nội mùa này phố cũng như sông
Cái rét đầu đông, chân em run ngâm trong nước lạnh
Hoa sữa thôi rơi, em tôi bơi cả chiều trên phố
Đường Cổ Ngư xưa, ngập tràn nước sông Hồng

Hà Nội mùa này chiều không có nắng
Phố vắng nước lên thành con sông
Quán cóc nước dâng ngập qua mông
Hồ Tây, giờ không thấy bờ

Hà Nội mùa này lòng bao đau đớn
Ta nhớ đêm nao lạnh đôi tay
Cho đến đêm qua lạnh đôi chân
Giờ đây, lạnh luôn toàn thân

Hà Nội mùa này phố cũng như sông
Cái rét đầu đông, chân em thâm vì ngâm nước lạnh
Hoa sữa thôi rơi, em tôi bơi cả chiều trên phố
Đường Cổ Ngư xưa, ngập tràn nước sông Hồng

Hà nội mùa này người đi đơm cá
Phố vắng nước lên thành con sông
Quán cóc nước dâng ngập qua mông
Hồ Tây, tràn ra Mỹ Đình

Hà Nội mùa này lòng bao đau đớn
Ta nhớ đêm nao lạnh đôi tay
Cho đến đêm qua lạnh đôi chân
Giờ đây, lạnh luôn toàn thân

It’s probably safe to say that 90% of Tango songs are good. No matter how sad, lonely, or indifference I feel, they always get me on my feet, tapping and singing. There are many, but here are my 10 favorites.

1. Kiep Ngheo – Lam Phuong
I first heard this song when Kim Cuong sang it live during one of her “cai luong” productions back in Vietnam. I was only 9 at the time. Yet, it moved me to tears. I developed a soft spot for it ever since. Even now, I play it on my drive home from work, especially on a dark, rainy night.

2. Nguoi Tho San Va Dan Chim Nho
Forget songs of war and heartbreaks, here’s one about humanity’s insouciance about nature’s repose. With flowing melody and sweet lyrics, it could very well be about cockroaches and still remain on this list.

3. Dung Buoc Giang Ho – Hoang Trong
I travel a lot, especially now as a floater. Whether I’m far or near, in a 5-star or 2-star hotel, I always look forward to coming home. Hoang Trong perfectly reflects that sentiment: “Đã bao năm qua / Sống nơi phương xa / Về phương cũ đành dừng bước chân giang hồ.”

4. Tango Tim – Anh Bang
A great song, a great singer, and a great arrangement. What’s not to love.

5. Thu Ca – Pham Manh Cuong
Among the many great autumn songs, this one ranks towards the top. I can see autumn leaves falling and feel them crackle under my feet just from listening to the song.

6. Pho Buon – Pham Duy
Pham Duy so vividly paints a relentless rain in a deserted neighborhood, draped in darkness with but a single light from afar. The imagery makes it also one of my favorite “rain” songs.

7. Xa Vang – Nguyen Van Hien
Xa Vang catapulted Thien Kim’s career in Vietnam. She was amazing. Quang Dung’s rendition isn’t bad either.

8. Tango Di Vang – Le Minh Bang
Y Lan’s warm vocal and soulful delivery takes this Tango ballad to whole new level.

9. Co Be Ngay Xua
My sister played this song every day when I first came to the US.

10. Tien Buoc Sang Ngang – Hoang Trong
Hoang Trong beautifully scripted a heartfelt song about seeing an ex on her wedding day. I could only imagine the heartache.

Everybody would probably concur that there are 2 good things about Minh Tuyet: her perky pair of breasts and her solid ass. All joking aside, unlike Cam Ly attempting “sen” or Tam Doan testing out “cai luong,” Minh Tuyet sticks to her genre like dung beetles sticking to well dung, even if it stinks. I applaud that. Secondly, the queen of pop is also the queen of musical sensitivity and emotional expressiveness. As evident in her latest album Da Khong Con Hoi Tiec, she delivers the 12 pop songs with paroxysms of great vehemence.

Minh Tuyet opens beautifully with Vo Hoai Phuc’s “Hoang Mang” and instantly infatuates her listeners with her lustful vocals. The dulcet tones of the violins steam up the well-versed track even more. She continues her onslaught of nectareous delivery in Ha Quang Minh’s “Mai Nhu Bay Gio,” where the accompaniment recoils upon her vocal dominance. Perhaps a prime example of Minh Tuyet’s poignant emotional effluence is the track “I’m Sorry.” Granted, the interjection of the words into the song seems a bit inappropriate. But when she mellows those 2 words with great sincerity, I would have forgiven her even if she cheats on me with my twin brother and steals my entire life savings. In “Chia Khoa Tinh Yeu,” she wraps up the album with her strongest vocal performance.

Da Khong Con Hoi Tiec is a terrific release from a sensational vocalist. Unfortunately, despite Minh Tuyet’s outpouring of emotions, it remains a pop album. And pop albums are very easily forgettable.

I am loving this song. Cam Ly’s vocal really takes center stage. Her diary-like vocal expression mellows with the beautifully-scripted lyrics and flows easily with the music. Hoai Linh totally kills it for me though. I would have loved to see this collaboration with Dam Vinh Hung.

Tôi viết lên đây với tất cả chân thành của lòng tôi trao anh
Ngày nào đã quen nhau, vì chung hướng đời mình trót trao nhau nụ cười
Và tình yêu đó, tôi đem ép trong tim
Dù bụi thời gian có làm mờ đi kỷ niệm của hai chúng mình
Tôi cũng không bao giờ, tôi không bao giờ quên anh.

Cho đến hôm nay mới nức nở nghẹn ngào, mình mềm lòng xa nhau.
Còn đâu những đêm anh dìu tôi lối về, mình kể nhau nghe chuyện đời.
Tình mình nay chết như lá úa thu rơi,
Đường trần mồ côi, tôi lạnh lùng ôm kỷ niệm của hai chúng mình.
Ngơ ngác trong đêm trường, tôi chưa vơi niềm yêu thương.

Nhớ lúc chia phôi, cầm tay chưa nói hết bao nhiêu niềm thương của tuổi xuân vừa tròn.
Xa nhau, mấy người không buồn không nhớ, xót xa cho tình yêu.
Nuối tiếc xa xôi, ngày xưa anh nói vẫn yêu em ngàn năm, vẫn đợi em trọn đời.
Nhưng nay hết rồi, hai người hai lối lúc đêm buồn không anh.

Tôi gói yêu thương, xin trao trả ân tình về người tôi yêu mến
Đừng thương tiếc chi anh, chuyện hai chúng mình là giấc mơ trong cuộc đời.
Tình mình nay chết, như lá úa thu rơi,
Đường trần mồ côi, tôi lạnh lùng ôm kỷ niệm của hai chúng mình
Tuy đã xa nhau rồi, nhưng không bao giờ quên anh.

Rumor has it that Quang Le got booted from Thuy Nga for stealing chips at some casino. If that’s the case, Thuy Nga may have done the music world a huge favor by stop producing his music. His latest album Tuong Tu Nang Ca Si is a complete dozer from vocals to arrangement. Every track is infested with the same tasteless instrumentation that remains consistently monotonous. Throughout the album Quang Le refuses to break away from his comfort zone and stays cooped up in his own defunct atonal vocalization. Not once did he embellish a single chord. By the last track, the album sets off a meta-emotion where I am perturbed by my own boredom.